Holly Cryan
Children’s ages: 7, 12, 16 (+ nieces, 2, 4, 7, weekdays)
Location: Hull
What were your initial thoughts about how lockdown would affect you?
Like everyone, I initially thought the lockdown would be a few weeks, and I was excited! It was novel, we were all going to be forced together as a family, without rushing off to various commitments, it felt like all the times we say ‘just this next weekend/week/month and then we’ll catch a break’ was actually finally coming! We were going to get loads of things done and have some downtime without the guilt. I’ve always wanted to homeschool my kids but never had the guts so this was my time to shine!
What was the reality of those first few weeks of lockdown for you?
We’d decided as a wider family unit (my sister and my parents) that we’d be one household and we’d educate all the children together with different aspects pulled together. But Boris’ announcements got seriouser and seriouser and we realised that wasn’t going to be possible. Never mind the growing fears of passing anything to my parents or my then 10 month old niece. The girls came round one last time to paint rainbows for our windows and we went food shopping, as if the air would turn poisonous the next day. And then I got it. I felt so ill. I couldn’t speak for long periods of time without becoming out of breath and I was terrified. I phoned my gp and 111 on multiple occasions who all said that yes you probably have got it but you can’t visit any healthcare establishments and there’s currently no testing outside the closed hospital wards. The first clap for carers came round, I heard the front door go as my husband took the kids outside and the street erupted as I sobbed in bed. Apart from the (fairly usual for a hypochondriac) constantly thinking I was going to die, the worst part was hitting the reality of what COVID really meant, having previously felt so positive.
Has lockdown changed over time for you as the restrictions have been eased?
Me and my sister have always been very close, we had 2 of our children (my youngest, her eldest) at the same time and I’ve always done her childcare whilst she went to work. So they are literally like twins. We’ve always said they don’t know where one of them finishes and the other one starts. As adults who’ve never physically been apart for longer than 3 months (when she did her millennial time in Ghana haha) this was bad enough for us but they both seemed to find it physically painful to be away from each other. We were finally allowed out more than once a day and to meet with one other person, we walked round and round our local area just so the children could see each other, still getting reprimanded on more than one occasion because the children counted in the one person rule. This being the only thing that mattered to me as more restrictions eased, finally being luckily being legally allowed to have my family in my garden just as my 40th birthday hit but I still craved to breathe in the smell of my mum and dad's house, my childhood home.
A year on and much stays the same for me really, yes I’d love a night out but it was never the thing that I was desperate for and few and far between pre COVID! I suppose the biggest change came with the childcare bubbles. I was able to have my nieces again as the kids went back to school which felt very much like back to reality. My closest friends don’t live nearby so it hasn’t felt massively different to not see them, the last time we had a very cold picnic ending in snow at Easter! Being able to visit people's homes will be the next big positive for me.
Lockdown Diary
9th April 2020
I think everyone’s living in a bit of a bubble at the moment, mine is pretty good atm, but that’s not to say it doesn’t change on a minute by minute basis! I read something about some people who have mental health issues noticing a break at the moment and although I’m definitely in that camp I’m trying not to jinx it! I’ve spoken to my gp on the phone and even he was surprised 🤣 although I still don’t feel I have all the time in the world I am stealing some extra crafting moments.
28th April 2020 (the anniversary of my brothers sudden death)
I’m not particularly a hugger, although I didn’t think I was, but what I would give for a hug now, off my mum, my dad, my sister, my brother. I was SO frightened that day when I saw him, 8 years ago, I got a taxi to the hospital, I knew he’d be ok when I got there, the taxi driver asked why I was going, stunned I said I’m going to see my brother, I think I went in the ambulance entrance and collared a random person, I was guided to a room with a dog eared picture of a clip art rose sellotaped to the door. I turned to run but I was sure I could see his distended belly rising and falling. I was so scared I wanted to get away, but now, now I wish I’d squeezed on the tiny trolley with him and laid my head on his chest for one last awkward, sweaty cuddle.
3rd May 2020
Much as I appreciate that everyone is different I just cannot understand how people are bored in isolation! I’ve got SO much stuff I want to do it could last 5 years and I’d still not have finished! Gareth’s way of coping is by deciding to move all the furniture in the house around! And I’ve faffed with the bookshelves (Obviously I totally understand the missing people part and I just can’t even imagine how it is for people isolating on their own)
18th May 2020
Beware of insta vs reality, Today we’ve had a science day and all the things in the pictures happened but I feel like turd so lots of ‘calm down’ why are you shouting?’ ‘Don’t jump on the sofa you’ll knock it all over’ ‘oh look it’s been knocked over’ ‘no we’re not watching telly/ps until we’ve finished these’ ‘yes I said the water was hot’ ‘a third is if you divide it into 3, no it’s bigger than a quarter, 200mls? No one said anything about mls?!’ ‘stop trying to syringe the dog’ ‘put her down she doesn’t like it’ ‘density=mass divided by volume... does anyone want a bag of crisps?!’ Happened too!
29th August 2020 (almost time for school to return)
I don’t want the new normal, I don’t want the old normal, I want the normal we’ve forged in between. Where everyone who couldn’t possibly work from home managed to work from home, where we all homeschooled and that was normal, where bedtimes and mornings could start later, where we all entertained our kids for free in fields and woods that were near home but we never had time to find them before, where we could eat every meal of the day together (I know there were lots of shit bits but I’m not focusing on them!)
9th September 2020
6 months 💕 I’m not gonna lie we’ve been through every emotion but even though Phoenix flooded the house the other day and Delilah has learnt that she ‘needs her personal space!’ And Freddy chose this summer to be the one where he’s too cool to hang out with us anymore, and i've not been in the house alone since the 6th March and that’s not going to change anytime soon annnnnd I’ve no idea how I’ll get Rosa to nap... I STILL don’t want them to go back to school 😢
13th October 2020 (the day the government told Fatima she shouldn't be a ballerina anymore)
I’m fed up today, the whole sorry business with our government recently has pissed me off, plummeted my self esteem and made me question my life choices (once again 🙄) one of the hardest things at the moment is not mixing with peers, no playgroups, no normal school run chats, no meeting with creative groups. I run informal craft workshops and i'm breastfeeding supporter and obviously all of this has gone apart from online) I feel like everyone is becoming more hostile to each other about masks and distancing and opinions 😬) and it’s making me feel like I hate the world. I saw a friend last week and feel like I just chewed her ear off all day and didn’t let her get a word in edgeways cos I’m so desperate for adult company. I hate people but I need people 😭 .
14th October 2020
I’ll stop banging on about it soon, but as a woman/mother/mother of a child with a disability/creative/person with complex issues I’ve made a meme to convey my feelings. Thanks for everything Tory wankers.
30th January 2021
I started following @themothersuk the other day, they’re doing posts to highlight mothering in lockdown, with a mini task of ‘self portrait’ I wasn’t sure if I’d join in but then I’d happened to accidentally snap myself yawning whilst Phoenix was recreating the front cover of the rainbow fish, we know how I hate the immoral lessons of the bloody rainbow fish!
( I just can’t understand why schools are so on it with teaching about consent and body autonomy yet they always go back to a book that teaches the children that you're selfish and won’t have any friends unless you give them things, never mind part of your body!)
Completely different to my older 2, Phoenix is FULL on, even in utero he never stopped. I used to have to get checked out cos my baby was moving too much as opposed to not enough! He never sits still, even reading, watching tv etc he’s bouncing on my head and 2 cm from my face, so although he can easily do the homeschool tasks, they’re taking a looong time. That morning he’d been trying to tell me the maths answers through the medium of interpretive dance! I try to be patient but the day before I could count on half of a hand the hours I’d been away from him. Yet he keeps asking me if I’m still his best friend, so the frustration is obviously in the air 😢 I tell him of course I am, always, but sometimes mummy needs a ducking minute!