“ I sometimes feel like a fraud, like I  haven’t been parenting long enough or struggled enough to call myself a mother. Or maybe I haven’t seen enough people throughout pregnancy and after the birth to be able to validate my motherhood, to make it ‘real’.  I see so many social media mums who seem completely comfortable immediately taking on this new identity as a parent...it took me a while and it still feels a bit surreal when I hear myself saying things like “where’s mummy?” when we play. Sometimes it feels like someone will turn up one day and say “thanks for babysitting, I’ll take my child back now please.”

But then he smiles at me, or laughs when I tickle his tummy. His face lights up when he sees me, or he stops fussing when I hold him. It’s the look he gives me when breastfeeding, or when he falls asleep with his hands on my face...then it suddenly feels so obvious, I grew him, I birthed him, I am his and he is mine. My son. His mum. 

A quiet, almost hidden pregnancy in lockdown, emesis kept secret, faces hidden behind masks. Without a baby shower, photo shoots, playgroups and sensory classes.  Phone calls and WhatsApp groups celebrating his life. None of that makes motherhood any less.  For me, it’s the look he gives me when he’s cuddled on my chest knowing he’s safe. 

He is my son, and I am his mum. That’s all  I need to be a mother in lockdown.”